Head Shave Interview : Abaddon

I was really interested to interview Abaddon as someone who also has a fairly popular social media account posting pictures of guys with shaved heads. His Instagram account is @heyiamabaddon.

Ash: When did you first start getting the urge to shave your head? 

Abaddon: At first, I just had the urge to get a buzzcut. I was probably 13-14 years old. However, it quickly became insufficient, and the urge to go shorter grew. I guess I was 17 years old when I realized that I desperately wanted to shave my head

Ash: I can't remember if I immediately wanted to go completely bald but, yeah, it quickly evolved into that. That's interesting that the urge is just for really short hair but that it quickly evolves into something more extreme. How did you feel about short hair as a kid, and do you have any ideas about what might've triggered your fetish?

Abaddon: When I was a kid, I had no freedom to get the haircut I wanted. Every time I had to get the haircut my parents wanted: short sides and a longer side-parted top. I remember watching a kid who had a bowlcut, or even my sister with her long hair, and I always thought, ‘why can't I get longer haircuts like those?’ But the moment I think really consolidated my haircut fetish was a traumatic haircut experience when I was 9-10 years old. My parents had just bought a pair of clippers, and my father wanted to test them. He decided I had to be his guinea pig, and the result was absolutely atrocious. He had to buzz it all off to a #4, which was way shorter than I had ever had before, and I really hated.

Ash: It's so interesting how the brain takes these traumatic events and re-wires them into a turn on. I'm not sure if that is a glitch or it's way of processing and dealing with disturbing early experiences.

Abaddon: Yeah, I'd have never expected I'd end up like this when when I was receiving that buzzcut. I just wanted to be in control of my own appearance. I guess the lack of control is what triggered the fetish in my case.

Ash: That's a really good way of putting it. I wonder how many people's fetishes come out of a situation where they don't have control. When did you first act on your urge to shave your head?

Abaddon: My first try-out happened when I was 17 years old, but it didn't end up so well. I chickened out after the first swipe, but I had gone too high, so I opted to get a mohawk. After that I decided it would be better to go right down the middle in my next try-out, but it wasn't easy to get enough courage! I remember I tried for years, holding the clippers right below my hairline, but I always chickened out until I gathered enough courage when I was 26. Sometimes I regret not doing it sooner, but I guess that was part of my journey.

Ash: How was it when you finally did it? Did you go all the way bald with a razor?

Abaddon: Yeah, I went all the way. The hard part was to be brave enough to get a no-guard buzz. Once it was done, shaving it all off with a razor didn't seem so hard to me. I even played a bit with my bald transformation that first time. I shaved half of my head and left the other half long. It was just for a few minutes, but it was really fun. But the aftermath wasn't as fun. When the excitement is over, you have to live with what you've done, and looking at your bald head for the first time can be really shocking. Whenever I wasn't excited, I felt I had made a big mistake and I was scared about what other people would say - I spent a lot of time wearing a hat.

Ash: Yeah, I kind of envy people who don't have that negative reaction after the excitement is over. How did people react? And did you keep it bald for a while?

Abaddon: The first time I kept my hat on until my hair grew back to a buzzcut level. The next times I did it the response was mixed to positive. The longest I've ever kept it has been 2 weeks, I think. I love being bald, but keeping it is something different. For me it's just another haircut, I love the bald transformation even more than being bald, but I need to grow back my hair for that.

Ash: That's a good point - when I haven't done it for ages, I lose sight of that it's more the transformation than just the haircut that I'm into. I started my Tumblr when I was bored and horny during the pandemic. I think sometimes that is a substitute for actually shaving my head. Do you get that?

Abaddon: Yeah, I also like to watch videos and read stories. It can be really helpful, but also it can be very tempting!

Ash: Yes, it can both pacify my fetish and make it more active. I feel like you're Instagram is more ethical than my Tumblr though. It seems like most of your pics are submitted. I find most of mine through reverse image searching on a Russian search engine!

Abaddon: Been there done that! I used to reblog any post I liked on Tumblr, and I never thought about where the pics came from. I wasn't the original poster after all, so the blame wasn't exactly mine. However, over the years I received a lot of messages from people asking me to delete their stolen pics. Every time it happened it deeply disturbed me, as I could understand how bad they felt. So, I decided I wouldn't share any pic or video if I wasn't sure where they came from. When I started my Instagram I just kept with the same philosophy

Ash: Have you ever had any problems on the insta? I noticed some of your earlier pics had a message saying to treat all the guys respectfully.

Abaddon: I receive submissions from hair fetishists and guys not into haircuts. They usually don't know a thing about our world, and a few hair fetishists sometimes go too far with their admiration. I've had to take a few measures to avoid that to happening again, like asking everybody to behave respectfully or to stop tagging people unless they claim otherwise. It's my page so it's my responsibility to make it a safe haven.

Ash:  One thing I worry about with my Tumblr is the fact I basically only have white guys on there. I feel lucky to be attracted to all races and ethnicities fairly equally. But the reason for that is, when I look at pictures of guys with shaved heads, I'm half imagining myself in their position - as a bald guy. That seems to work better if they’re the same race as me.

Abaddon: In my case it usually happens with Mediterranean or Middle Eastern guys, as they look more like me.

Ash: Do you ever post photos of yourself?

Abaddon: The official answer is always no, I think that those who submitted pics should be the main focus. But my real issue is that my social anxiety makes me very self-conscious. I've posted a few pics of some of my cuts on MSH, but I keep them hidden. Only those I trust can see them.

(After the interview Abaddon said he wanted me to include photos as he wanted to get outside of his comfort zone.)

Ash: I'd really like to share pictures of my transformation in future. I think there's an extra affirming element to sharing pictures with other people that are into shaved heads.

Abaddon: Yes, one thing I've learned about this fetish is that people love to show themselves after they’ve got a new haircut. My anxiety demands me to stay as far as possible from the crowd. But this fetish begs me to get attention. It's hard to reconcile both sides. I always feel I desperately need to find someone I can trust enough to share my fetish side. I enjoy it a lot whenever it happens. However, it’s extremely rare in this community. I guess that's the reason why I created my Instagram: it allows me to connect with other people, but in a more passive way.

Ash: I think it's probably quite hard to make meaningful connections in a lot of fetish communities, most people aren't in the sanest state of mind when they’re turned on.

Abaddon: What I find scary is that other people might find out that I shaved my head because I have a fetish. It's irrational, I know, but judgement and my privacy getting exposed are things that are hard for me to deal with thanks to my mental issues.

Ash: Yes, I totally understand that. I used to have that fear stronger than I have now. Then I discovered this fetish is actually fairly innocuous and quite a few of my friends know. But I really don't ever want to be having discussions about this with my family or work! I wish I didn't have to keep it quite so much on the down-low, because I'm very pro people accepting, dealing with, and understanding their fetishes better. Have you noticed any interactions between your fetish and your depression?

Abaddon: Yes, every time I enter a downward spiral, the urge to shave my head exponentially increases. And it doesn't fix anything. To be honest, it kind of ruins the experience: it makes me feel guilty and stupid. I need to use all my strength to stop myself. I don't want to shave my head out of sadness. Whenever I do it, I want it to be a great experience.

Ash: Yeah, it seems in those moments to me like shaving my head will magically make me feel amazing! I think fetish stuff can also be an easy way to feel something meaningful. What do you like most about your fetish?

Abaddon: The level of excitement it makes me feel. It's incredibly intense, and it makes me feel capable of everything.

Should I Act On My Fetish?

I have this thing I call a fetish spiral, a period of time where I become increasingly obsessed with my fetish. This usually happens when I'm bored or frustrated with life. I was having one when I started this blog at the beginning of the pandemic. I think it's a coping mechanism, an easy way of releasing dopamine from my brain, and a source of interest and meaning when those things are lacking. Unless I act on my fantasies of shaving my head or dressing like a chav they start to seem unrealistic and I lose interest. Or something else comes along that is more meaningful and engaging than. I've seen this same fetish spiral in other people who have these online fetish splurges. They set up a Tumblr where they post pictures of themselves with a shaved head, and then after a couple of months, delete everything and disappear.

I run a blog about my fetish so I'm definitely not a prude. But I am in a constant debate with myself on how much to integrate my fetish into my life. To what degree it's a positive thing, to what degree it's negative, and to what degree it's just neutral. Like any activity that releases dopamine, fetishes are addictive, so it's easy to lose control. Mine have caused me to shave my head when I really loved my hair and to buy a mountain of chav clothes I couldn't really afford. Though I've spoken to other people who said that acting on these same fetishes has had a positive effect on their confidence.

Deeply ingrained fetishes do seem to have a strong link to trauma and acting on them could help deal with that trauma. It would be interesting to find out how many straight/non-queer guys are into having their heads shaved or wearing sports clothes - fetishes that are connected to forced masculinisation. From the research I've done it seems that the majority of straight guys that are into head shaving are into the dominant version of the fetish - shaving women's heads. Whereas it is the inverse for the gay community. But I've also spoken to a couple of trans-men who are into head shaving too, so it can't be entirely to do with trauma from forced masculinity. 

To some degree I see these theories about confidence and dealing with trauma as just me trying to rationalise doing something that turns me on. There quickly comes a point with acting on a fetish when you're not exploring new psychological territory, you're just getting off on it. There's nothing wrong with that. But it's hard to have the perspective to decide how much you want to act on your fetish. The same biological forces that are evolutionarily designed to get people to procreate and prolong the species are encouraging me to shave my head. Before I've cum I desperately want to shave my head and keep it that way, and afterwards I want long hair. This conflict for me really demonstrates the idea that there is no definitive fixed self. And it's difficult to know which self to go with. The post-cumming self seems more 'me,' but the pre-cumming self occupies my mind more of the time and has a stronger pull on my desires. Except when I've experimented with things that have altered my hormone levels such as hair loss drugs and evening primrose oil.

When I was feeling over-whelmed by my fetishes one day, I kept a diary of how much I wanted to wear chav clothes before and after I'd cum. I found it took about three hours for the desire to return and then the second time it took much much longer. I think just the fact of recording it gave me some rationality about it.

Sometimes younger guys who haven't acted on their head shave fetish write to me asking whether they should shave their head. I say, yeah, if you have a really strong desire for it, you should try it at least once. I think we're lucky in the sense that our fetish is not something anti-social or dangerous, and possibly unlucky in that the results last so long. But having an impulse to take on an image that is different to the way you are normally perceived also has this interesting shapeshifter quality. I read recently in a book on chaos magic the idea that taking on other identities and beliefs can have consciousness expanding effect.

I kind of wish I'd fully acted on my fetish early on. I shaved my head bald once when I was 21, but hid it under a hat for two months. Now, I wonder how liberating it would've been without the hat. Whether it would've undone something inside me that attached confidence to my hair. If it would've helped me with some inner battle with the masculinity expected of me as a child. Or if I'd just be continuing to act that forced masculinity upon myself. I wonder now if acting on my fetish would help me deal with hair-loss and aging, or if it would just be a turn on. I say just a turn on, because it's great to have an exstatic sexual experience. But it doesn't have the depth for me, that it's what I want to fill my whole life with. Though I would feel I was cheating myself of something if I didn't fully act on my fetish while I'm still young-ish with a full head of hair.

Tell me your thoughts below ...