Head Shave Interview : Abaddon

I was really interested to interview Abaddon as someone who also has a fairly popular social media account posting pictures of guys with shaved heads. His Instagram account is @heyiamabaddon.

Ash: When did you first start getting the urge to shave your head? 

Abaddon: At first, I just had the urge to get a buzzcut. I was probably 13-14 years old. However, it quickly became insufficient, and the urge to go shorter grew. I guess I was 17 years old when I realized that I desperately wanted to shave my head

Ash: I can't remember if I immediately wanted to go completely bald but, yeah, it quickly evolved into that. That's interesting that the urge is just for really short hair but that it quickly evolves into something more extreme. How did you feel about short hair as a kid, and do you have any ideas about what might've triggered your fetish?

Abaddon: When I was a kid, I had no freedom to get the haircut I wanted. Every time I had to get the haircut my parents wanted: short sides and a longer side-parted top. I remember watching a kid who had a bowlcut, or even my sister with her long hair, and I always thought, ‘why can't I get longer haircuts like those?’ But the moment I think really consolidated my haircut fetish was a traumatic haircut experience when I was 9-10 years old. My parents had just bought a pair of clippers, and my father wanted to test them. He decided I had to be his guinea pig, and the result was absolutely atrocious. He had to buzz it all off to a #4, which was way shorter than I had ever had before, and I really hated.

Ash: It's so interesting how the brain takes these traumatic events and re-wires them into a turn on. I'm not sure if that is a glitch or it's way of processing and dealing with disturbing early experiences.

Abaddon: Yeah, I'd have never expected I'd end up like this when when I was receiving that buzzcut. I just wanted to be in control of my own appearance. I guess the lack of control is what triggered the fetish in my case.

Ash: That's a really good way of putting it. I wonder how many people's fetishes come out of a situation where they don't have control. When did you first act on your urge to shave your head?

Abaddon: My first try-out happened when I was 17 years old, but it didn't end up so well. I chickened out after the first swipe, but I had gone too high, so I opted to get a mohawk. After that I decided it would be better to go right down the middle in my next try-out, but it wasn't easy to get enough courage! I remember I tried for years, holding the clippers right below my hairline, but I always chickened out until I gathered enough courage when I was 26. Sometimes I regret not doing it sooner, but I guess that was part of my journey.

Ash: How was it when you finally did it? Did you go all the way bald with a razor?

Abaddon: Yeah, I went all the way. The hard part was to be brave enough to get a no-guard buzz. Once it was done, shaving it all off with a razor didn't seem so hard to me. I even played a bit with my bald transformation that first time. I shaved half of my head and left the other half long. It was just for a few minutes, but it was really fun. But the aftermath wasn't as fun. When the excitement is over, you have to live with what you've done, and looking at your bald head for the first time can be really shocking. Whenever I wasn't excited, I felt I had made a big mistake and I was scared about what other people would say - I spent a lot of time wearing a hat.

Ash: Yeah, I kind of envy people who don't have that negative reaction after the excitement is over. How did people react? And did you keep it bald for a while?

Abaddon: The first time I kept my hat on until my hair grew back to a buzzcut level. The next times I did it the response was mixed to positive. The longest I've ever kept it has been 2 weeks, I think. I love being bald, but keeping it is something different. For me it's just another haircut, I love the bald transformation even more than being bald, but I need to grow back my hair for that.

Ash: That's a good point - when I haven't done it for ages, I lose sight of that it's more the transformation than just the haircut that I'm into. I started my Tumblr when I was bored and horny during the pandemic. I think sometimes that is a substitute for actually shaving my head. Do you get that?

Abaddon: Yeah, I also like to watch videos and read stories. It can be really helpful, but also it can be very tempting!

Ash: Yes, it can both pacify my fetish and make it more active. I feel like you're Instagram is more ethical than my Tumblr though. It seems like most of your pics are submitted. I find most of mine through reverse image searching on a Russian search engine!

Abaddon: Been there done that! I used to reblog any post I liked on Tumblr, and I never thought about where the pics came from. I wasn't the original poster after all, so the blame wasn't exactly mine. However, over the years I received a lot of messages from people asking me to delete their stolen pics. Every time it happened it deeply disturbed me, as I could understand how bad they felt. So, I decided I wouldn't share any pic or video if I wasn't sure where they came from. When I started my Instagram I just kept with the same philosophy

Ash: Have you ever had any problems on the insta? I noticed some of your earlier pics had a message saying to treat all the guys respectfully.

Abaddon: I receive submissions from hair fetishists and guys not into haircuts. They usually don't know a thing about our world, and a few hair fetishists sometimes go too far with their admiration. I've had to take a few measures to avoid that to happening again, like asking everybody to behave respectfully or to stop tagging people unless they claim otherwise. It's my page so it's my responsibility to make it a safe haven.

Ash:  One thing I worry about with my Tumblr is the fact I basically only have white guys on there. I feel lucky to be attracted to all races and ethnicities fairly equally. But the reason for that is, when I look at pictures of guys with shaved heads, I'm half imagining myself in their position - as a bald guy. That seems to work better if they’re the same race as me.

Abaddon: In my case it usually happens with Mediterranean or Middle Eastern guys, as they look more like me.

Ash: Do you ever post photos of yourself?

Abaddon: The official answer is always no, I think that those who submitted pics should be the main focus. But my real issue is that my social anxiety makes me very self-conscious. I've posted a few pics of some of my cuts on MSH, but I keep them hidden. Only those I trust can see them.

(After the interview Abaddon said he wanted me to include photos as he wanted to get outside of his comfort zone.)

Ash: I'd really like to share pictures of my transformation in future. I think there's an extra affirming element to sharing pictures with other people that are into shaved heads.

Abaddon: Yes, one thing I've learned about this fetish is that people love to show themselves after they’ve got a new haircut. My anxiety demands me to stay as far as possible from the crowd. But this fetish begs me to get attention. It's hard to reconcile both sides. I always feel I desperately need to find someone I can trust enough to share my fetish side. I enjoy it a lot whenever it happens. However, it’s extremely rare in this community. I guess that's the reason why I created my Instagram: it allows me to connect with other people, but in a more passive way.

Ash: I think it's probably quite hard to make meaningful connections in a lot of fetish communities, most people aren't in the sanest state of mind when they’re turned on.

Abaddon: What I find scary is that other people might find out that I shaved my head because I have a fetish. It's irrational, I know, but judgement and my privacy getting exposed are things that are hard for me to deal with thanks to my mental issues.

Ash: Yes, I totally understand that. I used to have that fear stronger than I have now. Then I discovered this fetish is actually fairly innocuous and quite a few of my friends know. But I really don't ever want to be having discussions about this with my family or work! I wish I didn't have to keep it quite so much on the down-low, because I'm very pro people accepting, dealing with, and understanding their fetishes better. Have you noticed any interactions between your fetish and your depression?

Abaddon: Yes, every time I enter a downward spiral, the urge to shave my head exponentially increases. And it doesn't fix anything. To be honest, it kind of ruins the experience: it makes me feel guilty and stupid. I need to use all my strength to stop myself. I don't want to shave my head out of sadness. Whenever I do it, I want it to be a great experience.

Ash: Yeah, it seems in those moments to me like shaving my head will magically make me feel amazing! I think fetish stuff can also be an easy way to feel something meaningful. What do you like most about your fetish?

Abaddon: The level of excitement it makes me feel. It's incredibly intense, and it makes me feel capable of everything.